No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*me flirting
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours