No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
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My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks