No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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this came to me in a vision
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman