No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
This is enough internet for the day.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later