@JaymayAllDay

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

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@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

@FeverFlave

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

@ricsem

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

@sarcasmfontina

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

@rachel2manypaws

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

@ericsshadow

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

@noog

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

@LaurelPlane

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

@envydatropic

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me