“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
When I laugh on my period
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
War & Peace
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Don’t snitch tag.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]