@JaymayAllDay

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

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@WritePlay

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

@ddsmidt

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

@flashember

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

@UnFitz

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

@Jake_Vig

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

@leyawn

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

@DanMentos

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

@pixelatedboat

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

@NightValeRadio

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

@yayalexisgay

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years