No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
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God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My neck, my back, my…
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
So sick of all these stupid rules