No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
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“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’