No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
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5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
got so much cardio in today
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.