No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
this isn’t threatening at all
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office