*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second