No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
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Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.