No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You Might Also Like
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
A collection of me turning into random objects.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces