Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?