No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.