“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
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A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.