No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
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DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning