No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
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JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up