No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant