No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”