@Amusitr0n

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

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@DanMentos

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

@videojame_

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@hopiecan

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

@skittle624

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.

@Tmoney68

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

@HeyBethMay

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

@aveuaskew

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”