No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You Might Also Like
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up