No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not