“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
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And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG