No. YOU-buprofen.
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Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.