No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.