“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”