‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
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If only
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?