No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
(2022)
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.