No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
You Might Also Like
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh