No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
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Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.