No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
just having fun
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.