No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
technically true but not a great slogan
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
every single time
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
when someone compliments me
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.