NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Bring back the McRib
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving