Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

so weird how every mom was born today

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.