No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
You Might Also Like
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”