No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
White parent Vs Arab parents
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.