No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.