“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
You Might Also Like
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have