no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
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If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
This is me
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
How does one answer this?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.