No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone