Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
This cat wants you to take your pills
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss