Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
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Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything