@VeganZebra

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

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@fro_vo

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

@GuyEndoreKaiser

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

@mrtruthandsoul

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

@ArfMeasures

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

@rachelle_mandik

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

@beisswrandon

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

@zapmyass

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day