[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
whatcha thinkin bout
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…