[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]

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–spirited debate


The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.


I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”


Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse


Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food


the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.


Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you


The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.


Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day