@fro_vo

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

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@toomanycommas3

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

@ChaviStHill

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

@Token_Geezer

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

@danagould

E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

@living_marble

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

@LurkAtHomeMom

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL