My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
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You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans