‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.