“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
You Might Also Like
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner