Noah
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Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi