Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby