Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
A leaf blower, but for people.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met