noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
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This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!