Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.