Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
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Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.